Lonely Days

My posts are in no particular order lately. I started writing this when I was really sick with a cold, and feeling really down. I have no plans to change what I wrote, but will be adding to it because I didn’t finish it. I started on another post when I was healthy, and left this one (on purpose) until my head was less emotional. Apparently, my website is similar to my brain – all over the place.

Previous thoughts:

I should be putting away laundry. Instead I’m doing what my heart needs to do: WRITE.

I am with my son ALL the time. I’m a Stay at Home Mom and my partner works two provinces away (at the moment). I was a solo Mom from January until May. He came for a week to celebrate Anthony’s birthday. After he left, I continued on with the solo Mom life until I left for Ontario at the end of June. Then we had the summer. Both of us knew that at times, I would have to parent alone. It’s his job. This was our choice and I have no regrets.
But. ( You had to know there was a but).
Even though I have constant toddler company I am feeling so alone lately. Especially this week.
I have a jam packed September. It’s full. Activities every day but one. And I planned to go swimming with Anthony on the extra day. I was going to keep us busy because it helps both of us to be social and to do activities. Even if I hate the thought of leaving the house, I won’t back out of my commitments.
I went for a weekend by myself (that will be a post for another time.) It seems strange, I’m sure, that I’m writing a post about being lonely, but took time to be alone. I took the weekend and went off on my own adventure while my parents watched Anthony. It was fantastic. It was what I needed. It’s what all moms need. I missed him, but I took time for myself. I don’t do that often. Once a year for my birthday I take time off. If my partner was here, I would have gone with him, but he wasn’t so I decided to enjoy the silence. Unfortunately, I could feel myself getting sick the last night.
And then, after the weekend ended, I picked up Anthony and I came home sick. My body thought, “Oh she’s taking a break. Time to get sick.” (AKA: time to break her.) Luckily, I can’t remember the last time I had a cold. It’s been a while so this one hit me full force.
Now that I’ve caught us up, I will try to explain why sometimes you just feel alone while being a parent.
I find it extremely hard to ask for help on a regular day. I’ve admitted this to many. While sick, I really don’t want to ask for help because I don’t want to get anybody else sick. When I get sick, I basically just want to whine and cry. People often refer to it as a ‘man cold’. I get that cold. I just want somebody to take care of me. I just want to crawl into bed, and stay there until the cold ends.
I can’t do that now. I can’t do that when I’m a solo Momma with a toddler. Monday was absolutely awful. I cancelled my day. I had an exercise class at Fitbump, and I wasn’t able to make it. I look forward to the adult chats while exercising with my kiddo happily playing in childcare. Instead I tried to be a Mom with no energy. My nose was stuffed up, and my face actually hurt because of my nasal blockage. Nothing I took helped. I would have cried, but it would have hurt my face too much.
The Present comments. Fast forward two weeks:
I am not sure when I wrote that exactly. To put it bluntly, it was the week from hell. It was also my birthday week. I celebrated my birthday by getting a haircut, taking care of my toddler, and luckily, going out for supper with some friends. I was too sick to go out for supper, but I was already spending my birthday alone, and I didn’t want to skip time with my friends.
Tuesday night (my birthday), Anthony got a fever. He was sick just like me the next day. We spent the rest of the week feeling awful. We didn’t make it out of the house on Wednesday, and Thursday we each had doctor’s appointments that had nothing to do with our sickness. We got out of our house on Friday for a Mommy Connections Mom and Tot class, and then spent the weekend healing. The week after that we were still sick, but able to get back to life. This week, we both still have coughs and stuffy noses, but we feel much better. (I guess I’m speaking for Anthony. I feel much better, he seems to have more energy.)
The cold was bad. But the biggest problem was my emotional health. I was sad, and lonely, and feeling so damn down.
It was a tough week, and it took a lot out of me. I find myself wishing I had an extra set of hands all the time, but nothing like last week. I JUST wanted help. I just wanted to crawl into bed, and I wasn’t able to at all.
I wanted to cry. I needed help, and my mom usually can help, but she was working through the week, and had taken Anthony over the weekend.
Like I said, I am used to being a solo mom. I’m not used to having no energy to parent, and not having help to do it. I was so sad and alone by the end of the week that all I could do was hope I would feel better.
Here is the good news: it got better. I am parenting without the head cold. I am less lonely because I’m able to get out of the house. I guess that was what got me emotionally as well. I couldn’t do anything, and when I did leave the house, my head was too fuzzy from the cold to have an actual conversation.
Getting out and doing things is the key to my surviving life as a lone parent. Writing is another key, and I didn’t do a lot of that in my really sick week either. I stuck to journal writing for the most part.
I survived. Because I didn’t finish this the first time I was writing, I can’t really remember exactly how I was feeling. I do know I was feeling really down, and really alone. I don’t feel like that anymore. Life has gone back to normal, and the week (and some) of feeling ill got better. Emotionally and physicially I’m back.
I’m still not the perfect mom (I need to work on patience and yelling), and I sometimes just need a break, but I’m so much better than I was while writing this post originally. I survived.
Self care is important, and it’s hard to fit that in when you’re sick. In fact, it’s hard to fit it in when I’m healthy. Today, I took a shower while my son played with his toys at my feet. I considered that self care.
I did notice that I wasn’t taking anytime to eat correctly. My toddler was always fed, but I forgot about myself. I’m doing a lot better this week to make sure I have a healthy meal, and so does Anthony.
That’s it. Thanks for reading.
©ErinLeahMcCrea All photos I share on my blogs are my own, please Ask Me For Permission Before Using Them.

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