I’m not positive if I’ve explained how I’ve been posting every day. I started off the month trying to be ahead by two posts at a time. Unfortunately, life happens, and I wasn’t able to keep it up. For the most part, I get the post ready the night before. Usually late the night before. So it’s Tuesday night right now, and I’m going to have this ready to post for tomorrow. In other words, sometimes I refer to the day, and it usually isn’t the day I’ve posted.
This time, I am once again writing a different post than planned.
Today was a tough day. I haven’t spoken a lot about about what’s going on with the friend I lost. I’ve spoken about her, and about how much I miss her, and I’m trying to share my grief because I know I’m not the only person grieving. I haven’t spoken about how she died. I still won’t be talking about it other than to say somebody killed her. They arrested the accused this fall. I went to a court appearance today. It was hard. It’s hard to move on when there isn’t any closure. The justice system in Canada is very slow. Nothing is going to happen quickly. Her family and her friends have to be patient, but I’m sure all we want is closure. All we want is the right person to be charged. I want justice for my friend and her baby. We’re all pretty helpless, just as we were when she died. Every new court appearance, I feel it in my stomach. I feel it in my heart. I see it in those people in the courtroom. We are all heartbroken, and it’s so hard to be there and see nothing happen, and yet it’s so hard not to be there. I also don’t know if there will ever be any true closure.
Every court date brings a new wave of grief. I am connected to all that grieve my friend in that matter. We miss her together. I haven’t made it to every single court date, but the days that I haven’t, it’s always on my mind.
Nothing happened today. It’s adjourned until another day.
After speaking to her family, and giving hugs, I left to go to a coffee shop. I was shaky and sad. I needed to write. I needed to heal. I spent some time by myself. I wrote, and I drank a mocha.
Today was freezing so instead of walking to my cold car, I started my car as I was walking by, and went to look at the cold winter scenery by the river. It was freezing, but breathtaking. (Breathtaking in more ways than one. Beautiful, and hard to breathe because of the cold.)
I took a few photos from my phone before heading back to the car. I’ll be honest, I didn’t take as many as I usually would because my hands went numb after the second photo was taken. It was a relief to get back to my warm car.
Emotionally, today was terrible. I have felt pretty sad and down at various points during the day. However, I can’t be sad all the time. I wrote. I appreciated the beauty in this freezing cold world we are in. I came home and spent time with my adorable son. Life is hard. It’s heartbreaking. It’s also wonderful. It’s beautiful.
I want to share the photos I took. It was worth the ice cold hand to get them. (By the way, I’m not exaggerating when I speak about the cold. We had a three day break with nicer weather, and now we’re back to freezing cold warnings, and no school buses running because of the cold.)
The rest of the day was spent cuddling a toddler who is FINALLY getting his last molars in. I needed a day of cuddles although I like them more when he’s feeling better.
Tomorrow is another day. I’ll continue to write. I’ll continue to be grateful. I’ll also most likely continue to miss my friend. I’ll keep remembering the stories we made together.
This is my second last day of posting every day in February. I’ll have to think of something great for the last post.
What are you grateful for today?
©ErinLeahMcCrea All photos I share on my blogs are my own, please Ask Me For Permission Before Using Them.