I’ve been reading a lot of posts and writings about anxiety, and at times I’m surprised at how much some of it reminds me of myself. I wanted to share an anxiety attack I recently had because it really shook me, and after it ended, all I wanted to do was write about it. I wanted to get it onto my blog because I want to share how it feels. I’m not currently on medication for anxiety, but I’ve discussed it with my doctor. Neither of us think I need it right now. Lately, I’m wondering if someday, I may need to. So I’m going to write about it because that’s the best therapy I can give myself. I’ve already written about it in my journal. My journal is usually my go-to, but I think it will help me to share. I think I need to be absolutely honest about what an anxiety attack feels like to me, and what it does to me.
The other day, the anxiety took over. Because of this, fear took over. I think because of moments in my past, the anxiety hits most at certain moments, but I still feel like it shouldn’t. I feel like I should know better. I feel like a bad version of myself when I let the anxiety and fear take over me.
I’ve been open about the anxiety since I figured out I had it, but not open about what happens when I’m hit with an anxiety attack. I don’t like admitting to the times when I feel so completely helpless, but I need to.
Anthony hasn’t been feeling well for the past week. He had a fever just before his birthday, and we were happy when the fever went away. Unfortunately, the cough and runny nose, and the sad sick boy stayed. Yesterday, after three bad nights in a row, my partner took him into the clinic. We thought because the fever was gone he was better, but my partner was pretty sure Anthony had a sinus infection.
I stayed home while they went to the clinic. We didn’t both need to go, and I had a couple of things I wanted to do at home. Before they left, we dropped off C’s truck for an oil change. This isn’t really important, but it is important to note we only had no vehicles at home.
After they left, I decided to go on the elliptical before writing. I texted C to ask how the appointment was going because they had been gone for a while. I exercised for 45 minutes, and then went upstairs to check on the pooch. I looked at my phone only to realise I hadn’t heard from them. I had texted him 40 minutes ago. I called and didn’t get an answer.
My brain spiralled from there. The anxiety took full force.
I sat on the couch by the window upstairs and stared at the driveway. I called and texted again. What was I worried about? What were my fears at that moment? I thought they got into a car accident on the way to the doctor’s office. I thought it was something more than a sinus infection and my son was seriously ill. I thought I had to go find them except I didn’t have my car. I searched my phone for car accidents. I was scared. I was scared they wouldn’t come home. I was scared I wouldn’t have my son anymore. I was scared I lost them both.
Keep in mind this was all in a period of an hour to two hours. They were barely gone. As we all know, clinics are not always a fast process. I sat on the couch frozen. I imagined the things I shouldn’t imagine. I have seen strong people dealing with loss, but at that point, I knew I wouldn’t be strong if I lost my family. I knew I could not handle it. Days later, I still feel the same heart stopping fear that I did during my anxiety attack. I had my phone out, and with no other options than to sit there and be scared, I turned on Netflix and waited for my phone to ring.
I want to be clear that my mind knew I was going overboard. My anxiety was making me scared, and my mind wanted to stop it, but it was too late. I had already thought of every possible terrible situation.
As I said, I know why my mind goes to these scenarios. I’ve lost people. I know the fear of waiting.
And then my phone rang. As my head knew, my partner couldn’t respond because he was at the doctor’s office with my son. They were fine, and they called me while they were waiting for antibiotics for his sinus infection. I spoke to him, and Anthony, and hung up with the promise that they would be home soon.
After I put down the phone, the tears came. Tears of relief. I cried happy tears because my family was still okay. I cried because I knew that my fears were coming from anxiety, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
This doesn’t happen often, but it does when I don’t hear from somebody soon enough or I can’t get a hold of them. It’s something I expect, but have never written about or admitted to. It’s not just my partner and my son – although they are the worst – but it’s also something that happens if I don’t hear from other family members and friends. I know it’s unreasonable. I know my thoughts go overboard, but I haven’t yet learned the technique to get myself out of the anxiety state. I’m working on it though.
That’s my story. I don’t know if anybody feels the same, or has the same kind of attacks, but I wanted to write about mine. I wanted to share what I occasionally feel. It’s scary not having control of your emotions. It takes a lot out of me.
Today though. Today is better.
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