Trapped with a Tot – Days 15-18

I’m bulking my social distance posts together. As I said in my book post, I can’t do them every day. This is Tuesday to Friday. The days are blending together as it is. Before I get into the days and the photos, I will talk about how I’m feeling because I think years from now, I will want to know how I was feeling during this new time.

First of all, the beginning of the week, I was feeling anger. I need to talk about it. I don’t like to admit that anger is a part of my life, but sometimes, I get angry. I have been angry at the world. I yell more than I should. That’s all I do – my rage obviously doesn’t get physical. However, I need an outlet so I have found my own rock outside. When I get to the point where I want to yell (or slam a door with me hiding in it), I go outside and I throw it at the ground. A medicine ball would also work. I can’t always pick up a pen and write, and I can’t go downstairs and jump on the elliptical in the middle of the day. But I can go outside, and without my son watching, I can throw a big rock. It’s something I can control. I go out, and I breathe. I’ve only actually done this twice, but I know if I need to breathe, I can just walk outside and take a moment. Just writing this, I’m scared to share it. I’m scared if people read I get angry enough to throw a rock, it’s going to look terrible. But you know what? I don’t care. The world is scary right now, and my anxiety is a mix of fear, tears and anger. I’m not always angry. I laugh a lot as well. It’s just been a hard time, and it’s even harder knowing that I can’t control any of this. I can control my mood though, and I’m learning how to do it. I’m trying so hard to convince myself not to delete this right now. I’ve found a perfect rock to throw. That might sound silly, but it makes a very satisfying sound. Patience is low and frustrations are high. So I go back in time to being a kid when throwing things helped. Sometimes it does.

I am working on forgiving myself for both my anger and my impatience. This entire experience is new and scary, and I am dealing with it as well as I can. I’m learning and adapting constantly. I started the week with more frustration, but as I write this, I am ending the week with more hope and gratitude.

As we go through this pandemic, I am finding I need to spend less time reading posts on Social Media. While they are trying to be helpful, I don’t need to be told what not to eat while I am stuck at home. I refuse to feel guilty for eating delicious food. I see posts telling parents how to schedule every second of our days. I am not that person. My son and I are not yet ready for a schedule. I may change my mind at some point, but right now we need to go day by day. People have a lot of opinions about how you SHOULD be acting during this time, which is funny because nobody is an expert. Nobody has done this before. You do you. I won’t judge you.

Here are some things I am happy about right now: I am so happy that while my partner has been away a lot, we are together. I think sharing custody during a pandemic would be extremely scary, and I am sending so much strength to those that do. I am thankful that my son is only three and a half. He is frustrated, and he doesn’t get it, but he’s not yet in school (other than preschool), and he doesn’t truly understand the fear. He’s been amazing through all of this. He gets sad and misses his friends and family, but he bounces back. I am happy that I live in Canada, and I am finally settled in my life. It took me a long time, but I’m glad I am in the same province as my family. If this had happened while I was in South Korea, I would have been alone, and so afraid for my family. If this had happened when I lived in Alberta, I don’t think I would have done well. I am grateful for these little things. I am lucky to have so much, and I am lucky that things are not harder that they need to be. I am lucky. I have it easy. I am surviving, and I definitely have less worries than other people. I wish I could take their worries away, but I also understand why they are scared.

In this time of fear and not knowing what will happen next, I am grateful. I’m grateful that things aren’t worse. I’m grateful that my family is safe and healthy. I’m grateful that we live in the age of video calls because those are saving our day! How lovely that I can call family and friends with Anthony and he can see them and talk about his day! I can join in exercise classes or mom chats. It’s all amazing, and I am lucky.

Also, I can honestly think of so many more people, and so many friends that are going through scarier things than I am. I wish I could see them in person, but it’s not possible.

And, now that I’m done my talking, I’ll share photos from our last few days.

Tuesday: Day 15

This was a day we had been waiting for. My partner came home! He didn’t actually come home though. He arrived back in our city after driving a very long drive from the States. He couldn’t come in, and I met him at the window after distracting Anthony and the dog. It was bittersweet. I was so happy to see him (he has been gone since January), but he has to self isolate for 14 days away from us. I cried. A lot.

Paperwork and wine left outside for my partner.

Wednesday: Day 16

This was a good day. We made cloud sand with flour and oil – I added some food colouring. He played with that for quite a while. We had also set up some Front Porch Photos to be taken, and unfortunately, they were cancelled. We decided to do our own, and I was pretty happy with the results. (The Photos are now rescheduled for Monday, but we have a whole new plan for those ones.)

Thursday: Day 17

We watched videos on how these things work.

Friday (Today!): Day 18

Just like that, it’s Friday again. I showered and got both my bedding and Anthony’s bedding washed. It felt amazing to get those two jobs done. We did okay today. We watched some TV. We did a craft. Anthony and Drogo played outside for a long time. We did okay. One thing I’m finding out during our days with one another is that my son does not stop talking. Ever. Ever.