The One Where I am Honest

This post will cover day 26 to day 30. (Saturday to Tuesday) of my families Social Distancing, but it won’t be the same day by day as I usually do. I write notes or send myself emails as I think of things I want to share. I’m going through my list.

Loss

First of all, today is my friend’s birthday. She should have been 39 today. I’ve written about her many times. This is the second birthday without her. The biggest thought rolling through my head today was that she should be here. She should be here celebrating a socially distant birthday with her daughter. Neither of them are here, and it makes me so sad. Last year, I focused all my energy on doing a donation drive for a women’s shelter in Saskatoon. I was able to use my pain for something good. I hate that I can’t do that this year. Because of Covid_19, most shelters are not able to accept donations at this time. (Although, we can always donate money.) Either way, she has been heavy on my mind lately. I wish she had left her relationship. I wish she had asked for help. I wish, with all my heart, that I had been able to help her.

My friend meeting my son for the first time.

Motherhood

I’ve been having a lot of thoughts lately about my role as mother. I think my biggest thought is that I’m not doing enough. I’m not the best mom I can be. I had a really hard day on Saturday, and I went to sleep thinking, “I’m a bad mom.” I am not sharing this to have anybody tell me I am a good mom. This is something I need to convince myself of everyday, and the truth is, some days are better than others. I think that I could be doing better as a mom. It’s okay to say that out loud. It’s also okay to admit when I’m doing a good job. Some days, I am a good mom. Some days, I am a great mom. Others day, I feel defeated, and I feel like I am not doing a good job. I’d rather not have these doubts about the most important role in my life, but it’s just a part of my life right now. These thoughts were getting worse after months of solo parenting, and a month of social distancing. This is something I have to work on. I can’t write about a solution because I need to work on being better, and work on shutting the negative thoughts down.

Writing Life

I need to be honest about one more part of my life. I feel like I am not doing all I could be doing in my writing life. I’m not talking about my blog. For the first time, I feel like I have my blog under control. But I want to be a writer, and if I’m being absolutely honest, I want to be getting paid to write. This blog is great, and it’s a wonderful way for me to share my truth to the world, but it will never get me paid. I need to work on being less scared. I feel as though I use my blogging as a way to say I’m writing, but not work on the big things. I have a novel to send away to publishers, and I have other novels in the works, and I just need to finish them. I need to focus on all of my writing, not just the blogging and journals. I need to work on my works of fiction, and I need to work on getting it read. I am letting myself down with my writing. That’s two areas in my life, I need to work on. This pandemic is the perfect time to work on it.

Our Weekend – Day 26-27

This Week Days 28-30

Monday marked a month of social distancing. It ALSO marked the end of my partner’s isolation. He came home, and we’ve spend the first part of the week being a family, and loving life together. Having him home has been great, and having a partner to share the housework and parenting is really nice.